Intro Pt 1
I do not own right to this photo
I was 4 ½ years old when I first fell victim to the majestic powers of cupid's arrow. Nicky was his name, oh how I loved me some Nicky. We were both in Ms. Helen’s afternoon pre-k class. I was one of those mute children that didn’t talk or interact with anyone while in school. I couldn’t tell you why honestly, it’s actually hilarious now that I think about it. Literally when anybody would try to talk to me I would just stare at them awkwardly with my weird ass. They would get an occasional head nod, up and down or side to side when asking me any questions but most of the time it was that same blank awkward stare. My mother had the worst time believing that I behaved like this while in school because at home both her and my father had a hard time getting me to shut up.
Everybody in pre-k strayed far away from me while there. Except Nicky, which is why I grew so fond of him so quickly. We did everything together, color, go to the bathroom, nap, play. The thing is I never even spoke a word to him either, my little boo loved me for me! On top of that he did not play about me, there was an instance where my teacher Ms. Helen, like the other failed attempts, was in my face trying to get me to answer if I wanted cheese on my sandwich. I guess Nicky could sense that I was uncomfortable with her being so close to my face so he threw a piece of cheese in hers. He got in trouble and Ms. Helen along with the principal decided to split us up. So now Nicky is in the other class next door and we barely were able to see each other until the end of the day at aftercare. Not too long after the switching of our classes Nicky found a new companion; Emily. When she was around he ignored me and didn't want to play with me at aftercare. This hurt my feelings so bad I remember crying in the corner until my mom picked me up. Never was I in love in pre-k, so fucking funny, but true shit. I told my mom what happened and she comforted me. When arriving home she told my daddy the story, she let him know I had my first heartbreak, they laughed and my crybaby ass threw a fit and cried some more.
You would think that after getting played at such an early age that I would learn my lesson but honestly as I got older it never got any better. I continued to put myself out there, and…. continued to get played. I guess my ass liked to be let down, I kind of think I'm immune to it. Out of every nigga that broke my heart none compared to the pain I felt when my father decided to ghost me. I honestly feel that my broken relationship with my father can be one of the reasons why I tend to fall so deeply for men. I forever ignore all the signs of a shitty man, instead falling for potential or the idea of being in love. This void at times has me believing that I can not live without the attention from the opposite sex, sounds crazy I know. Every year of my life I was in some sort of situationship with somebody's son. Falling for them, trying to change them for the better, them cheating, then me detaching, the insecurities, then finally cutting them off and eventually going ghost on them. I get really sad at times but I am able to detach fully from a human being, it might be a pride thing or it might be me actually coming to terms with my self worth I don’t know because they both confuse me. Either way I am gone. I am literally a ghost, I guess I get it from my father.
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