The Healing Process

The Relapse

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So y'all I know I told you that this was the place that I am going to be 100% real so it's only right that I let you all know how my week has gone. It has honestly been difficult for me to write this out because I feel like I've been spending a lot of time in my head thinking about how I was going to translate my feelings. Like should I filter out how I truly feel? How do I write this so that I don't sound bitter? Truth is I'm bitter as fuck! I can't believe I spent three years with a man who is honestly the most shitty-est person I have ever met. The most un-caring, selfish manipulative person like I wish I never even knew this man. I can say open heartedly I hate him with everything in me. Yeah I know, I know hate is a strong word and I know it takes so much of your energy to hate a person, but I dislike him that strongly I can't help it. I've been praying about it on my knees every morning but I can not shake this feeling. I don't wish him anything good in life and I don't give a fuck how anybody feels about it.

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So last week I relapsed..... yeah I know i'm a dumb bitch, like how could you really call this man after he kicked you out his apartment just to go out of town and visit the woman he cheated with? I really have no response to what was going on in my mind ... I mean I guess I just missed him, and I wanted things to be the same again. It's crazy how you can be with somebody 24/7 , 365 * 3 and just drop them like it's nothing. I called only to find out that the bitch will be coming to Cleveland to stay in the apartment that my SHIT was still in. Like are you kidding me?! Like you really are a heartless ass bitch ass nigga! On top of that it was the weekend of sweetest day! When I tell y'all I cried for the whole night. I mean not that little cute sniffle cry, like that ugly ass cry where the noise comes out uncontrollably. I woke up with my eyes stapled shut and shit, it was actually pretty funny now that I'm thinking about it. But after cleaning my face I stared myself down in the mirror, like bitch this is the last time you will be crying over this man! Like are you kidding me look at you, you are literally everything. You're beautiful, you're fun as fuck, and not to mention your personality is to die for! Really is he even worth it? Like did you really think after him cheating 3 times that he was really going to change? Like did you really think he was the one? I have to be honest I really put to much faith into these men. I can admit that sometimes I forget my worth.

One thing about me I really am a deep lover and not only that but I'm a forever lover. My love is unconditional I'm not the type of girl who just loves temporarily. Sometimes I will allow myself to take so much stress and abuse from men , mental or physical just to prove that I'm here to stay. I know sounds a little pathetic right? I know.... all and all I learned so much from this breakup. It taught me not to lower my standards only a real man is built for me I can't be with a man who folds under pressure thats not for me. I know for damn sure that I will not be dealing with anymore men who lack boundaries and who are unable to put me first. If I chose to be with somebody else I want them to be somebody who runs home to be with me, who wants to impress me, who makes plans with me, who is loyal and doesn't talk shit about me, who makes me feel special, who is afraid of losing me, who is trying to invest, and who is just on my level mentally.

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XOXO

Lulu