Just For Clarity
I miss y'all and I know I been missing so don't hate me! Honestly last month was a little hectic for ya girl. I started school which is a hot mess, I am beginning my pre production process for my NEW web series "Lost Girl" (Stay tuned) all while trying to adult. Yeah it's pretty crazy over here but I want you all to know that I love and appreciate you all. Oh and HopeLess Romantic will be coming real soon, I can't wait for you all to read my crazy stories.
Okay, now to the good stuff... as you all may know, I have been getting my mind and soul right, and picking up the pieces after one of my longest relationships came to an abrupt end. Ya'll like "sis you still not over that nigga?" Chill on me and understand that I love him and that I am genuinely an unconditional lover. When people hurt me it takes time for me to heal. I know some of my savages will a drop a man and be over him and under a new one in no time. No judgement, though. I wish I could do the same, but I'd be lying if I acted nonchalant. Not only that, but I am also in the process of getting myself ready for the career of my dreams. I have never in my life felt so uncomfortable yet so aligned with my destiny. I'm getting deep, I know, but really I enjoy this moment of time that I have been able to focus and worry about only me. As an empath I never really had much clarity because my judgement was always clouded by my feelings. Well shit, now my ass can see crystal clear.
I am not in the headspace to attract anybody who suffers from any mental health issues, trauma, or lack of accountability. I know we all have baggage but in the space that I am in I don't have the time to help anyone else deal with their issues, and I am damn sure not about to be teaching anybody's son or daughter how to treat me. Nope sure not, their loss.
I am not ready to date or talk to anybody serious and I definitely am not sacrificing my focus for a temporary fling. I am being real with myself when I say that men are a distraction for me. There has never been a man introduced into my life that I feel could be an additive instead they TAKE, whether it be time, energy, or space. I have allowed it for way too long and I will not be doing that shit any longer. I'm definitely not scared of love, I am just not ready for it. I don't want to give my attention to anybody, I don't want to fuck. I don't want to hang out. I don't want to get to know a man and I don't want them to get to know me. I don't want to deal with anyone's baggage, kids, emotions. I don't want anybody at my house, I am not coming to anybody's house, I don't want to compromise or consider anybody's feelings. Ya'll like DAMN BITCH! Yeah, I know, but this is the place I'm in at the moment. It won't be forever, but I am being patient with me
I will also say that friends tend to be a distraction for me. I love all my friends to death and they know it! But I am also starting to realize that I am growing apart from a lot of them. This scares the fuck out of me. I used to argue everyone down about how I would be friends with my people FOE -EVA -EVA. I mean, this might still be the case. Maybe it's just the different head space that we're in at the moment. I don't know. I feel like most of my friends are stuck on the "old" Lauren. The Lauren who never put herself first. The Lauren who always jeopardized her own happiness for that of others. But now I am dedicated to being the best version of myself and I want my friends to be open with my growth. For those who aren't accepting of that and aren't willing to evolve with me, I literally have nothing to offer you and we might just have to call it quits. As much as this kills me, I can no longer focus on one sided friendships or people who use my feelings to try and manipulate me. I'm not allowing that shit! People do a lot of comparing on what I should do, but are not willing to give half of what they ask. I will not have any more people around me like that. I will not have any friends who don't support me in the way that I deserve and I will not have friends who are not accountable. It is time to put myself first. Besides, being a little selfish never killed anybody.
Like I said in my very first blog post, my life/emotions are literally on a roller coaster. I am enjoying the ride and for any of my HomeGirls going through growing pains, I am here to tell you to keep going and to stick it out because I know that there is nothing but beauty and light at the end of this tunnel. Love Y'all!